” There is a time to be born and a time to die.” It is then in between this uppermost and lowermost ends, that we grow in a particular direction.
During the first years of life and according to the epigenetic scale of Erikson the infant will need maximum comfort with minimal uncertainty to trust him/herself, others and the environment; the toddler then works to master physical environment while maintaining a self-esteem; the preschooler begins to initiate activities; develops conscience and a sexual identity where after the school-age child tries to develop a sense of self-worth by refining skills. During the challenging adolescent phase the child will try to integrate the many roles into a self-image under role model and peer pressure; and comes the stage of being a young adult the individual will learn to make commitments to one another and the financial world. It is only then that satisfaction will bring productivity into a career, family and civic interests. According to Erikson the elder person can finally sit back and review life’s accomplishments, deals with loss and prepares for death.
Erikson’s epigenetic scale can be interrupted at any time when the umbilical cord to life gets cut. Death doesn’t take age in consideration, neither people left behind. Having to say our last farewells to a person who’ve become and integral part of our being, which shared in our hardship, which celebrated and rejoiced great moments together, is one of the most unsettling events in life. Dealing with death is to suffer the end of a journey together.
After the initial phase of shock, an emotion of overwhelming emptiness usually emerges. Our aims to fill this emptiness or void engage memories and flashbacks, revisiting incidents and/or attempts to hearten the next to kin.
Emotions varying from anger, depression, to heartfelt sorrow can surface at anytime. Being able to acknowledge the many different emotional responses without regarding it as a negative, will allow the griever to work through the process towards recovering. It is useful to find the polarity of the emotion -- for instance when one feel deeply troubled to count the immediate blessings; when sitting in the darkness, at least to turn one light on. If one can’t find the balance, ask for professional help.
Physical activity adds to bring the energy home. When running a marathon one tends to be aware of one’s own breathing, muscles and footfall. Not that all of us can run, but we can do gardening or take the grandchildren for a walk.
Accepting grief, actions and feelings as part of the grieving process. Stop being brave and take time to actively grieve. Set aside a place and time to be a person who grieves the loss of a beloved one. Talk about your concerns; talk often. If you are called upon to be the listener, then listen with genuine empathy -- really pay attention to what the griever has to say without trying to fix the problem. Unless appropriate, set personal experience of own losses aside and listen.
The first steps back into the world are often quite a challenge. There are birthdays, thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years-eve, baptisms and weddings, vacations and celebrations. Guilt can keep one from investigate in life. At this point it is appropriate to give thought on the process of dying. According to many in the care giving profession, the process of dying is to detach from our affections, earthly body and limiting perimeter and moving on to the next dimension that is believed to be an arm-length away. Guilt doesn’t serve a purpose beyond this point.
When we as the griever reach the crossroad or Impasse, we return to normal daily activities, grow to understand our feelings about death and embrace the challenges of life on a budget. The assistance of a financial planner, attorney or legal adviser is a good idea. When the grieving spouse then introduces a new friend to her children or family the latter will rest assure that the newcomer not a gold digger, help filling the void with excessive spending and leaving the widow / widower with little financial means behind.
What then is the purpose of the grieving process? Boundaries shift to unknown territories of the psyche; emotional energy splits between what should have been and what is, inner control shifts to external control -- like a pendulum to the far ends, and then less intense. The grieving process “buys time” for the griever to restore the homeostasis, the balance between the absence of the deceased and presence, the past with and the future without. It can be reasoned that the griever acquirs skills as to master this life-altering incident.
The deceased were not perfect; they also had their flaws, their irresponsibility, and their personality traits that in the end might have contributed to their early departure from us. Being able to forgive, to letting go of the regrets and blame and to integrate the time together as a blessing, is to become a seasoned traveler.
One day our family and friends will sit in this park, remembering each of us. How they will honor us is in a way up to us -- in our daily contact with others we write our own eulogy. Let us then, while being reminded of our mortal bodies, give ourselves permission to take delight in our being. Take a moment to appreciate yourself, your blessings, your family, and your friends. A moment will become a minute, a minute an hour and as the years go by May you be able to step back and say: “Life wasn’t always smooth sailing, but it was worth living it.”
When the journey ends, it is only the beginning.
A memorial speech delivered by Johan for Wall Customs Service during September 2010.
The exact provenance of fortune cookies is unclear.
